fucking shower revelations.
and so does having conversational arguments with my ex-boyfriend but that’s not the point.
but i’m sitting here drinking vanilla caramel tea and i’m wondering how exactly people in school see me now? since middle school i’ve always been seen as the girl with a smile on her face and laughter spilling from her lips even though i was never 100% happy with myself, my boyfriend, my family, i don’t know. but now that i’ve grown into myself a little bit, the fake smile has been wiped clean.
with the rate i’ve been going with everything i’ve done this year, people definitely have some less than nice thoughts about me, but that happens. i would just like to think no one has any really negative thoughts about me because well, i’d like to think that i’m a good person…
i’ve definitely condensed y friend group a lot in the past year; i mean, i used to be friends with EVERYONE. but now i feel less and less like i can really connect with people, whether it’s because we’re going in different directions or we have too different of personalities, i’m not sure, just certain people i can no longer be around. sometimes its because i envy them; their popularity, beauty, privilege, talent, whatever. other times its jut because they’re too wild for me to handle because let’s face it, i’m not as outgoing as people think i am.
i’m afraid to talk to people, afraid of being judged, afraid on being criticized, i’m afraid of everything when it comes to people, i can’t help it. put me in a less than very friendly group and i’m a mute, honestly. another side of me doesn’t give a fuck what people think and i’ll talk to everyone, go back to being happy-go-lucky.
i’m not even sure what this post is supposed to be, all i know is that i hope when i leave school, people will remember me for being happy, friendly and all things good, because i would hate to have my nae tainted with the bad things i’ve done over the years.
who has school, a class discussion, a peace studies parter project, cheerleading practice and tumbling to do tomorrow?
this girl.
fuck me.
im sleeping for the next two hours, then im getting my Venom. that shit is gonna be my crack for the day. goodmorning, goodbye.
what i want, more than a lot of things, is to be in love again.
i don’t know when it started. i don’t know when everything started to just fall apart inside me.maybe it always been there and i’ve been trying to push through it, or maybe it slowly came on me and i didn’t notice. but nothing matters anymore. very few things i actually care about. its tuesday and i haven’t gone to school yet and the thought of walking the halls with all those people that don’t give a fuck, it scares me. i have to go though. if i don’t go today, i don’t go to practice and cheerleading is honestly the only thinking that makes me happy. not even exaggerating a little bit.
i need this to go away. this ache in my chest needs to stop. no one cares if your miserable, so you might as well be happy.. but what happens when happiness isn’t enough because for me, it isn’t. it comes and goes now and i don’t know how to push anymore. my strength is gone, i’ve used it all up. i cant take care of everyone and save everyone else anymore. i need someone to save me this time.
be happy, its your birthday.
fucking fuck stress.
i want a bestfriend, someone who isn’t attracted to me because of my looks first. but my personality. someone i can just play video games with and it not be about sexual tension. someone i can already have fun with, without worrying about impressing them.
